The sun is shining NOW, and the sky peeks with its icy blue gaze from between the cold gray clouds as a crisp fall breeze stirs cold green needles and the remainder of the turning leaves. Hot green tea in my mug sends steam to meet the cool air above creating the shape of a Toroidal vortex at the edge of where hot and cold meet illumintaed by Sol's cloud filtered rays shining through my dining room window. Magical activity to my right in an innocent cup of tea, and in front of me through my big picture window, and all around and through me as I draw in a deep lung full of Ond. Against all probability I am alive and exist in this moment and hopefully a few more, as I inhabit my temple and focus on how greatful I am to have yet another chance to work my will and write my saga. Write I will for this is NOW and I am working on, creating, listening to my voice, fulfilling my mission, and purpose, realizing my reason for being, and living my life in the hope that I will inspire others to do the same.
I have chosen a direction and a methodology. You are reading part of it now I will think and meditate and listen and look and write. I will strain against and overcome resistance in all its forms. I will feel its full weight and become stronger for it or die trying. I will energize and nourish my efforts both physical and spiritual with quality fuel. I will ritualize and document this ritual of the process of preparing and consuming this fuel and nourishment for the very act thereof is profound spiritual and indicative of the process of life and overcoming, and becoming more. My mission and intention of doing this is that I hope to inspire and help others to do the same, and by so doing increase honor and respect for our Gods, Ancestors, Folk, and Selves.
One foot in front of the other daily despite whatever obstacle, resistance, challenge, or opportunity to do anything else presents itself. I will follow this path and create as I go and grow. It will be imperfect, sometimes I will crawl, sometimes I will run, sometimes I will fall, be crushed, battered and utterly broken and beaten. The lowest of the low. I will curse myself and the Gods, and existence. Then I will soar efortless and weightless until the next crash. Then I will crawl and run again. Ever onward Sometimes higher, often times lower. Ever onward. Around the next bend, over the next mountain. This journey is mine. I have chosen it as much as it has chosen me. Sometimes there will be companions and fellowship along the way. A soft place to lay my head. A brief respite. But not for long as the journey must continue and sometimes companionship and fellowship and comfort reveal themselves to be obstacles and resistance. Sometimes glory, recognition, fame, and grattitude will warm my face fleetingly. Sometimes a clear vision will present itself where eveything makes sense for a time. But such things are illusive and rare, and often just plain illusion, and they will fade quickley leaving me with just the journey, the path and the methodology. Self doubt, delusion, wounded pride, battered self, physically and spiritually broken, crushed ego, grief, mourning, ultimate defeat, darkness, a profound loss of comfort. All of these will come calling at one time or another, perhaps all together. They will all make me want to crawl into my safe warm Turtle's shell and be safe in the illusions of comfort, security, sameness and mediocrity. “They wont be able to find me in here”, as the semi of fate, pulling the trailer of reality bears down on my fragile soon to be flattened state of self delusion pushing me into the uber illusion of Impossible, Improbable, Impenetrable, Ludicrous and just plain Hard. From these depths I cannot see the top of the wall of resistance that my focus on everything outside of myself and my control has constructed for myself. At these points in time the high road will be lost, but the journey will continue one step at a time.
There will never be enough thanks, never enough gratitude, never enough comfort, never enough recognition, and never enough respite commensurate with my efforts, and my sacrifices, but this is the way of being a man so I will never expect these things, I will do it because I am a man and that is what a man does. He fights until the bitter end and then some because that is why he exists as a man. There will only be me and this path, this direction to go in, and this methodology, and my divine self as guide. No one will save me, this is all there is, and only now in which to travel. So I will crawl and run and fall. I will embrace it all with wide open arms and mad laughter on my lips for I would be a part of the divine comedy. Flawed, scarred, broken, infintesimal, a chip off the old block, a microbe, a nano particle. A mere spark of the great roaring inferno, but a spark nonetheless, shining as brightly as I can in the great void of nothing and everything. Give me fuel and Ond and watch what happens. Never greater than anything, or anyone except all that I was yesterday which I sacrificed fully and completely to the best of my ability in the anticipation of all that I will become today. Then, I will sacrifice all that I have become today to the best and fullest of my ability in anticipation of what I will become tomorrow. There are no guarantees, only intention and fullness of effort to the best of my ability. There will be no perfect state, only profound but fleeting utterly beautiful moments. Glimpses of what could be, but promises of, and in the future are only illusion. There is only NOW and what is happening NOW, and my focus on, and my assessment of, what is happening NOW. There is only the path, the journey and the methodology.
As I travel and have become aware of this journey, I notice the darkness gets progressively darker, as if my embrace, and attention makes it more so, but also the light in equal measure, and then I notice that both, as do all opposites,coexist, and make my journey and experience thereof more profound. I realize that if I reject one I also reject the other and ultimately myself. One must embrace all to get the whole experience. Opposites meet in the middle, merge, and become something else all together but always part of the whole, the all, the overarching Logos or tendancy toward life, and the existance of life, and overcoming, and becoming more, ever increasing and expanding. I can't pick and choose it. I can only accept its existence and embrace it. Its the whole thing or nothing. To limit my embrace of all that is, is to limit myself, and my experience. To truly love life we have to love all of its aspects and embrace and learn and be changed by them as we remain ever ourselves.